first post

Well, i am starting a journal under the advice of my wise friend terita (see the friends page). First a little background to catch you up. I'm 22, been living in CT for most of my life, just graduated college from Gettysburg College (yes, where the battle was... and no that was not virginia). I am very outdoorsy, or at least i like to say that i am. In reality i love nature but i rarely do anything with it. I play ultimate frisbee. I love it, but i have no confidence which makes it very very hard for me to keep my ability level up.

A lack of confidence has really been the theme of my life. I have never been confident in who i am and i haven't been happy for as long as i remember. I guess i am starting this journal as a way to document my emotions and my life. both of which are things i have never done. i live very haphazardly (spelling?) yet i find myself too nervous to be spontaneious(again spelling). I block out my emotions so i don't have to deal with anything. i close myself down so i don't have to deal with my true reality. This has created a monster.

the big problem is my last 4 years, ie college. i lost sight of everything. completely everything. my own happiness, friends, lovers, honesty, love, pain, reality, addiction, studies and basic morals. i lied, i stole, i cheated, i hurt everyone i came in contact with, i drank more than regularly and even went to the hospital once for it, and i smoked way too much marijuana. all so i didn't have to be alone with myself. and now, its hitting me.............